i found this dream in a bent and mostly empty notebook that was at the bottom of a basket of clothes that i dont want.
i was at the subway station. i didnt know where to go but i didnt feel lost.
night was falling and i didnt know where to go that would be safe and i didnt know where to go to find something interesting to do.
i looked at the map on the wall, made a desision and ran for a train that happened to be the one and wanted and happened to be about to leave.
but i didnt get to it in time and then as the doors closed in my face i realized that i actually wasnt the train. and a moment later i realized that i didnt actually want to go where i had wanted to go a moment ago.
i stepped back to stand near the map and called my mom to ask her how to get home to 77th st. (where we stayed all summer)
i knew there was just one simple thing i had to do but i couldnt remember what. awake now i know that it was simple- get on the 1 train and it will take you right there...
i called mommy and as soon as the phone rang once i remembered that she was somwhere where she couldnt answer the phone.
there was a lady sitting on the platform with a lot of luggage.
she and i tried to help each other but niether one of us knew enough to really help but both of us knew enough to not feel completley lost which comforted us.
i am on the train with someone who i am in love with. we call someone who i used to be in love with and make plans to see her tommorow.
i think that the one im in love with might be in love with the one who i used to be in love with so i try to imagine a way for us all to be in love with eachother all at once.
and i am a vampire. we are all vampires. we are laughing and promising my ex love on the phone that we will meet her tommorrow at "first bight" like "first light."
suddenly im a boy.
im skinny and pale and look a bit like my brother but more like draco malfoy.
im shirtless, sitting beside another vampire, a hispanic boy with shiny black curly hair.
he is my friend but he is also a much better vampire than me, much older, more swagger, he's calling all the shots, telling me what to do.
he tells me that its almost light so we have to get home.
since we're on the subway on our way home i dont panic but i do panic in the back of my mind, i dont want to be cought in the sunlight.
there is a human man in the subway car with us and my friend says we have to confuse the man before we leave so that he doesnt know we're vampires.
we move then, very quickly so its as thought time is moving very slowly around us.
we move the man to the door and put him so his head is sticking out of the doors, theyre closed on his neck.
"this is our stop" says my friend
and somehow, maybe because we can move so fast, we are off the train in a moment and the train zooms away on its high trellice and the human man screams.
my friend says something and then drops from the trellice and dies.
a narrator in my head says something like "that was my first experience of death" but its specific to vampire death.
i jump off, after my friend but towards the building across the street. in the air i think about how i am a vampire so i am extra strong so i can make this kind of a jump. i also see the window in the building that im jumping towards i know that i could make it right through the window and land inside but i dont, i grab onto a molding near the window and then drop to the ground.
i run towards the door to the building. its like one of those motels where the hallway is outside, and the rooms each open to the outside not to a hallway.
the sun is rising and a few rays of it fall on the ground, i avoid stepping in it as i run to the first door i see, it has a number one it, three digits which is odd because this is the ground floor.
the door is open i go in. there is a man inside he doesnt see me.
i spin around very quickly so he wont see me, like the arms of a fan spinning so quickly that theyre just a blur, sometimes completly invisable.
i hang from the door frame and spin around very quickly, he sees the flickering of my skinny white chest.
stretched out, hanging with my arms over my head i feel very thin and white, small and beautiful.
the man throws a soda can at me to see if im there... to see if it hits something.
i dart quickly by him and hide in his closet.
he throws cans at me and says in a voice like a crazy man talking to his cats."cans dont shine like that." and i know he means that i am shining, that i am beautiful... i feel very powerful and very naked.
i run away from him and outside, avoiding the sunlight and upstairs to my room. i hide under my bed and he is running after me.
i lie under the bed and as i begin to wake from the dream im thinking about how powerful i am and how weak and pathetic he is but how he might get me anyway because i cant go in the sunlight which is shining into the room. and i feel powerless but really more frustrated and pissed off about how wrong it all is.