Tuesday, July 28, 2009

“The Sky Inside Me”

The sky inside me looks like the round ball of my brain floating in sunset colors and I am very small lying on my back turning my head to the side and tucking my chin to my shoulder to glimpse the horizon past my feet.
…Lying on my brain and suddenly I am the cinematographer wanting more yellow-orange sunlight, less misty ocean spray light.
I am asking my staff to add mountains to the distance, which they do and then- what if this were all to take place at midnight and the sky inside me is black and there are stars and my hand that I hold up in front of my face is a silhouette of a hand?
My staff listens intently and nods. There is an echoing bang of someone pulling a lever that suddenly shifts the scene to what I had seen in my head.
So what should happen here?

I stand. All I am is the clicking of film through the camera, eating up the light. I've forgotten that I had a hand a moment ago. I defiantly don’t have a hand now.
So what should happen here? I have no idea. I'm like those huge production companies with all the money who manage to make Meryl Streep look like a fool because they have her but- what to do with her?
I walk towards the starry edge of my brain which is wet under my feet like tiles around a swimming pool, and thin soft moss has covered pieces of the mosaic and look- my feet are leaving footprints in the moss! Something I did not know could happen.
But what should happen here?

I look up and see that the stars are not stars at all but little fireflies, blinking and whizzing across the sky inside me, above me, where I stand on my brain.
What a perfect location. I sit down and trace a mosaic bird with my finger.

I stand and tell my staff to catch three fireflies in a jar… make one of the interns do it.
The skinny girl wearing skinny jeans, a nose ring and thick-framed glasses darts forward slipping a bit on the wet tile in her eagerness to impress. She holds the glass jar up high and whirls it round catching not three but five little stars.
“okay,” I tell them as she hands me the lighted jar, “I've got it.”
I hold the jar up “dim the lights.”
That echoing bang and they’ve done it.
“find me a little kid, big eyes.” They bring me Freddy Highmore and I put the jar of fireflies on the ground and Freddy sits before it.
“three bells.” Yells the eager intern.
“action!” I say
it will be silent so I continue to talk
“close on his eyes, watching the flies. Do you think you’ll get any of the detail in the tile? The mosaic?”
they promise me detail, mosaic.
“check the gate.”
Echoing bang and then darkness

I'm lying on my brain looking past my arm, my foot at the sunset colors of my inner sky.
All I am is a clicking camera. If I said before that I had hands I lied. I only want to eat the light.

Monday, July 20, 2009

The Moment He Turned Back (In Florida)

This morning we waited on the beach for the sun rise and then
as we drove away the sun shone in the review mirror,
winking between the trees in, what i felt was, a kind of angry abandoned way

like we had waited so long to see it and once it arrive we were done with it.
only waiting for the moment of arrival, not the arrival, once it arrive it was over.

there was a man jogging on the road and as we passed him
he a did a little cirlce turn on the sidewalk and headed back the way he had come.
maybe tommorrow he'll make it to the next corner
but today he onlye made if about halfway between the two traffic lights.

do you think he thought of me?- the anonymous observer, usually personifed by the opposite sex,
noticing the moment when you, the thinker, give up and turned back in your jog?

i dont know how far he had come. i dont know if the moment of turning back was much too soon
or if his thighs already bruned with miles of effort
I only saw him turn back.

Sunday, July 19, 2009


ive been home from florida for a few weeks now.
ive been feeling a bit lonely after spending that tropical week completly surounded by friends.
i realized the solution to the lonliness would be to move in with one of my friends. they could go to work and not even hang out with me at all but when i came home i would come home to somwhere where someone was and when they came home they would come home to where i was and no one would be lonely.

i want to go to college,
"enjoy your summer." said the film conservatory junior waving to me as i left orientaion with my bag and my pillow.
i grinned and waved.
"no really." he held my gaze and nodded once at me as he said: "really enjoy it."
they tell us we wont have any time for anything resembling a social life.
no jobs, no parties, no study abroad just MOVIES!
theres a part of me that hopes i fall in love at school.
theres a part of me that hopes i fall in love with everyone and am never alone and have people holding my hands and sharing my pillows and whispering secrets all the time.
theres a part of me that hopes i dont get to know anyone and just sit in my mind and make up movies and make movies and imagine myself into magical places.
that last part of me is not so confident in its existance.
that last part might be terror disquised as indiference.
i like option two the best.
sharing pillows...

i might be in a triple.
"three beds, three dressers, three desks and two closets. you'll make it work."