Wednesday, July 31, 2013

How to Open a Door

For those of you who live in a house that has more than one door
I recommend the following:

Identify the door that you use most often
This should not be difficult.

Next, identify one of the perhaps many doors which you never use.
This should be more difficult.

You probably dont remember that this door is a door.
There are probably boxes in front of the door and most likely
you have lost the key to it's lock or maybe it never even had a key.
This door only locks from the inside and if you want to come in through it
you have to be let in by someone already inside, or else the door has to be left open
or unlocked in anticipation of your arrival.

Once you have identified this second door you should move the boxes
away from it and if someone has built a shelf across the top of the door
unscrew and remove the shelf-
first take the things off the shelf. These things can probably be thrown out.
They are either too dusty to keep or too useless.
It is very important that you immediately dispose of the shelf itself.
There is nothing more dangerously useless
than the pieces of a shelf left leaning against a wall in a corner.
Get them out, shred them in a large machine
made for shredding no-longer-needed shelves. Invent such a machine if you cannot find one.

Once you have removed the dusty things
from the useless shelf, destroyed the shelf and unblocked the door
you should open the door.

You might be tempted at this point
to abandon the whole endeavor if, for instance, the screen in the storm door is ripped.
You will tell yourself "flies will get in through that rip."

After you have identified the inevitability of flies and understood the dangers
of going ahead with this plan, you must decide to not care about the flies.
Decide to understand how flies are a small problem in the larger scheme of things.
Once you understand you will understand.
Thats all I can say about the flies.

Now, use that strangely shaped sliding metal square to hold the storm door ajar-
think, as you have often thought before about the person who invented that sliding metal square.
Wonder again why it is so specifically curved with that little fold on the top-
do you know the little bit I'm talking about?
That little disk attached to the arm of a storm door.
The slidely little square
that slides along and then, impossibly, holds the heavy spring-taught door open
even in strong wind?
Its a genius little thing-

Now- Use that genius little square slidey thing to hold the door wide open.
Sit down in the open doorway on the cement stoop
and put your bare feet on the top step which should be covered in bright green moss.
The moss is there because no one has stepped on these steps in years.
Admire the moss.

You are not allowed to feel sad about the destroyed shelf
but you can be a little sad about the soon-to-be-destroyed moss
The moss will be gone because this will be the front door now.
This will be the main and most used door.

Park your car in a new place,
a nearby place that is in logical relationship to this new main door.
Daydream about the footpath that will appear in the grass
it will perfectly connect your parking spot to your door.
Screw a small hook into the wall near the door and next time you come home
hang your keys on that hook.
Leave your shoes nearby and drop your bag in the closest corner.

Next time you leave leave through the new door.
Continue until someone builds a shelf over that other almost forgotten door-
the one that used to be the main door
when that happens don't revert back to that door
find a different door.

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