Tuesday, February 2, 2010


we watched Adam yesterday.
It's about Adam who has aperbergers and Beth who doesnt. and how she takes care of him and how she loves him and how he, in every way possible, doesnt know what to do.
i cried.
the last time i cried in a movie
was the last time i saw Adam.
i dont cry in movies.
i dont cry a happiness and i dont cry at sadness.

what makes me cry in adam is when he is standing at his door, and Beth who invited him to go out, is calling to him from the hall, and he CANT he just CANT go.
he sits on the floor and opens his hands wide and stretches his fingers. and presses his palms against his face and he just cant go!

what makes me cry is the fear of everything!
but its not normal fear its literally fear of fear.
he has no idea what to do. he doesnt have an idea of an idea of what to do.

he literally paralyzed by nothing. but the lack of understanding.
all he does is misunderstand and be misunderstood. but as far as being misunderstood he doesnt even understand hes been misunderstood.

its the most heart wrenchingly solution-less situation.
but hes trying!
really really trying but
how do you try?
and how do you explain that youre trying and how do you try?

and this is how i used to feel when i didnt do my homework.
btw, mommy, this is how i used to feel.

i could tell you why i should do it.
i wanted to do it.
but, first of all. i didnt know how, i didnt understand, i was so fucking frustrated with the "you poeople" of the education system because they didnt follow common sense, and everything else that iw as feeling while i understood, because im smart because "albert einstien, thomas jefferson, motzart, they all had lots of imagination." i am smart and i know its rediculous to feel this way of this. just do the fucking homework, just open the door.
but i CANT!
so i sit on the floor and press my strechted out palms over my eyes and cry.

but that was then.

now the only time i feel like that is when i watch this movie.
so i hide under the blanket and whisper "i love this movie. i love this movie" until one of the mollys kicks me.


  1. i loved this, this is like how you feel when in the grips of anorexia(haha, i am turning ur post into an ED related topic ;P but..

    "but its not normal fear its literally fear of fear."

    those words, are so true! and when Adam is standing at the door and cant go just CANT, that would make me cry too. its such a horrid feeling to feel like paralzed, want to GO and do something but like what is holding u back? so scary and sad...
    i never cry in movies, although i know someone who does(ehem ur Mommy ;) who like cried when we watched sister act ;) haha.)

    i love u!
    i love love u :)

    p.s i am seeing ur brother thursday probs ;) and i miss u alot. ohh and getting my hair cuts too thurs. at fuzzywigs(sp? ;)


    sorry for this weirdy comment but i loved reading ur words. and i love how a movie(that i have no clue wat movie this is but sounds good ;) can relate to other things in life like an ED. lol.

  2. yeah. i thought about that actually. that that is how i imagine an ED feeling.
    i love you girlie.