Friday, August 15, 2008


i feel lonely.
its strange because the lonely feeling was triggered by never feeling alone.

i woke up late this morning i slept in max's bed last night because my bed makes me sneeze and max was in montreal.
i woke up and hoped that no one was home because i wanted a peaceful morning without my dad telling how i needed to do things in order to not end up like he ended up: married with children and too much work and not enough art....

its strange... my parents teach me all about the law of attraction which teaches that anything that u expect to come to you will come to you.
they teach me that and i believe in it like some people believe in heaven and hell.

i tried to talk to my d ad today about his dream day... and whats strange is that he couldnt plan his dream day.. couldnt talk about it
and thats all the law of attraction is; visualizing and expecting and knowing your dream day.

this blog makes no sense
im really just writing it to avoid going to sleep.

im avoiding going to sleep because my bed isnt made and ill have to make it before i go to sleep
and im avoiding getting into my bed because my bed is against the wall that max's bed is on the other side of.
and max is home from montreal and his girl friend is here with him tonight.
shes in my grade and shes a sweety
and im glad that i got to meet her.
but relationships make me sick.

just for now

im sure they wont make me sick forever

its just that

relationships were such a highped up... and important and worth envying thing...
before i ever had one...

and then i went to art camp and had a joke of a relationship...
but it wasnt in the begining.
in the begining it was wonderful.
at the end it was a joke.

but i loved myself and hated myself in new ways that i had never felt before while i was sorta of jokingly loving my art camp boy...


but the point of all of this is to say that...
i dont want to hear my brother and his girl whispering on the other side of the wall.

it will give me stomach ache

the fakeness of it
or maybe its not thier fakeness
maybe its my own
or my fakeness that i was with my art camp boy...
that is what will make me sick
the memory of the dark room that was so dark that i could have been kissing anyone...
and i thought about that in the moment
this could be anyone.
"now you understand why guys get in trouble with thier girlfriends all the time for saying a differnt womans name." says jake when i tell him this story.

i do understand

i hate relationships

i want to feel as beautiful as the pixie girl who looked up into the boys face while he traced the lines of her cheeks and lips and whispered "you have the most perfect face ive ever seen..."
i want to feel as beautiful as that pixie girl.
she was me.
he said that he meant the most perfect face in terms of art... composition.
he said it was a compliment but also just a fact.
he ran a finger over my closed eye lid and i knew that he was so proud of himself for having me
and that was a feeling that made me want to belong to myself and to no one else forever
but also a feeling that made me want to be held forever.

he was proud of himself for being with me...

thats all relationships can ever be... a feeling in yourself that the other person makes you feel.
you could feel it with half a dozen others.
the question is do they feel it with you?
proud of themselves in context of you?

i blew him a kiss when i drove away after five weeks.
he was sitting in the lobby and he waved at me through the tall glas window wall.
i smiled and blew a kiss
i hope he loved that
because it caused me some pain.

but anyway
im lonely
in a house with no doors
where construction workers are always in the yard outside the kitchen
im lonely surrounded by friends who never take a breath between sentences and who say "i love you" as a substatution for "hello" "goodbye" and many other things.

im lonley
because i feel like no one ever loves anyone for anyone.
everyone loves everyone because of some feeling that they feel themselves with they are around people.
and thats lonley.
and selfish and i know i am a victim of it.

ill have to go make my bed now
and sleep in it.
and ignore the whispering.
and if i cant ignore it i will have to refrain from anylizing it



  1. Your observations are seriously very very fascinating and true. I love how by reading this blog I can enter into your mind for a moment and see as you...

    Love is such a strange thing because it does seem like in loving someone you are helping them or doing something for them, but in reality, what they experience from you is not something you can really control. If you love someone when they don't love you, they do not get much or anything out of it, it is you yourself, indeed quite selfishly, who benefits or feels something, and it is you who suffers in the end.

    That is what is so great about true love: if you love them and they love you, no one suffers, and all one experiences is the pure feeling. So yes, even true love is selfish, but the selfishness cancels out so it doesn't matter--as long as the love remains for both. That is the hard part, I think.

    Beauty is another mystery. In my experience I have found the sayings, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder" and "Love is blind" to be undoubtedly true. I am certain that not everyone would agree, but I tell my girlfriend with all honesty that I think she's the most beautiful girl in the world. And if she's honest (which I have reason to believe) she thinks I am the most beautiful boy in the world... which I KNOW is not true! Indeed, she was the first of us two to fall in love, apparently on first sight (which I find a bit embarrassing). An exchange at green meadow once told me that it is true that most of the time only one of a pair falls in love at first and later the second's love grows slowly. It certainly seems that we now love each other equally (despite fighting playfully on Skype over who loves the other more! :D).

    I think the majority of so-called 'perfect' relationships do not contain true love, and many people do not find the perfect lover. Though I of course will never be sure that my relationship consists of true love, it certainly seems to be much more than most I see around me. Perhaps the long distance factor strengthens our bond... Each time I am away from her for a long time (even just away from skype, like recently) I come back feeling even more in love.

    But I think that if you experience true love you will find that it does not seem selfish at all because another feeling grows in you, and that is the feeling that you are giving your lover happiness by staying with him/her. Of course there is no real way to prove that this is true, but if you look in to their eyes and see it, it's probably true--and that is the most beautiful part of love.

    I wish you the best of luck in your love life, and want you to know that there is someone, somewhere who, if they knew you, would give their life to you, truly and dearly. If you are bored of relationships, perhaps you have not experienced the best yet...

    ...and sorry if this comes off somehow selfish or high and mighty, I did not have that intention at all.

  2. omgosh!
    thank you gavin!
    i love that you read my blog!
    and your comment just made me increidbly optimistic.
    i know i havnt experienced anything close to anything like you have...
    and im not really as bitter as that blog sounded...
    im actually very excited to see what happens to me.
    ...most of the time...
    sometimes i get bitter...
    then i get over it with the help of insightful honest blog comments.
    thank you.

  3. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  4. Making money on the internet is easy in the hush-hush world of [URL=]clickbank blackhat[/URL], Don’t feel silly if you don't know what blackhat is. Blackhat marketing uses not-so-popular or little-understood methods to produce an income online.