Thursday, April 8, 2010


In this highly hypothetical situation a hypothetical person bought a blue and white striped romper/jumper/ one-piece piece of clothing at the salvation army.
she, the hypothetical person, is wearing it right now.
she likes it.
it looks like summer and a sailboat in the 50's.
when she sits down on the floor and leans over to type on her laptop which is also on the floor in front of her, the jumpsuit, being one piece, does not reveal any part of her but crack.
all in all is quite a wonderful article of clothing apart from the two tiny suspiciously brown stains on hem of the left leg.
the reason i am telling her story, the hypothetical girl's story, is because she is afraid to wear the jumpsuit.
shes afraid of wearing a lot of things.
even things that look good.

its not that she is afraid of looking bad. its quite the opposite actually.

for some reason, that she has begun recently to blame on certain converstations and experiences with women in her childhood- this hypothetical girl is afraid of looking good.
isnt that odd?
i think so.

the sound of the thoughts that accompany this fear are mostly about people noticing that she is trying to look good.
or trying in any way to be anything really.

whats wrong with trying? i asked her quite recently and she said that she didnt think that there was anything wrong with trying. that in fact she loves people who try. it makes them seem alive when they try, try to look good, try to climb a mountain, try to dive off a high dive...
anything that they cannot do that they are trying to do is beautiful to the girl. but somehow in herself... even though shes gottan over most of the problems with looking like shes trying... for instance: she cannot climb a mountain but would not be embarressed for you to see her try to climb a mountain or paint with oil paint of load a bolex camera...

for some reason clothing is still hard...
just like 'fat ankels" being her least favorite thing about herself
she supposes that
being afraid to wear a jumpsuit is not the worst thing to be afraid of.

for instance... shed rather feel this fear than a fear of spiders..
or a fear of feet.
she knows people who are afraid of feet and she knows people who are afraid of spiders..

she wonders if effects thier sunny days just as overpoweringly as fear of trying to look good and actually... she doubts that it does.


  1. hello my love,
    this was so interesting to read. I can guess who this hypothetical character is, and i think you gave it away by the ankles ;P lol...well ah "being afraid of looking good", very interesting to think about.
    i can understand this fear that has, i am afraid of looking good in other ways, well i guess that is different, non? but kinda the same, like you know my multiple American Apparel rampers that i wear each summer, and each summer i am at a really low weight, and it is just not a good idea probably for me to be wearing those little AA rampers...they hold such memory for me, and even when my mom and people would point out and get upset over the bones that could be seen whilst i wore my ramper each past summers, i didn't care becasue my Anorexia liked that i looked "bad" in them, and thought i looked good, i looked like a 10 year old skeleton, and i liked that, odd i think so, but i still believe it ... i wanted to look The complete opposite of what a "normal" person would like to look like in their ramper/jumper....
    like your character she likes the jumper for the aesthetics of the jumper and doesn't care about the stain at all...but is afraid of wearing lots of things that even look good, hmmm where am i getting at haha, well i am afraid of wearing things when i am in my Anorexia that make me look good, or normal or pretty to others SO odd, whoa sounds like i am crazy ;P but odd in kinda the same sense of the fear this character know? it makes no sense yet it makes sense to the person with the fear, as does a person who fears feet or planes or clowns, it makes sense to them.

    love love love

  2. Katie!
    I loved this post, and i love that jump suit/ romper! :] u know how much i love my rompers ;P lol..although most hold bad memories, u know?....but still can't live w.out them, so cute! perf. for the summer. summer in the 50's! Love it!

    This really resinanted w. me, and my anorexia, not wanting to look good, or be told i look good. SO odd, is right! someone tells me i look beautiful, automatically my ED tells me i look "healthy" and what is so wrong with looking healthy??? nothing! who wnats to look scary(like me in the romper in aug.)---> Scary! i should want to look beauutiful!

    its so mean of myself/my anorexia that when someone complements me, saying look great or better! i just think "i fuck look horrid, and fat!" :[ I must switch this! ;/

    trying is also scary, scary for people to think i am trying, bc if i am trying, i am weak as an anorexic, or maybe thats my ED telling me i am weak?.. but total opposite!!. trying should be deemed something great! trying anything new! trying makes us strong, and after u know it, tyrying turns into DOING! and it becomes easy! My friend has a tattoo that says "try" on her wrist! I think that is wonderful!

    Okee Novel! hehe! I love u and i am @ my dad's office, & his keys are so hard to type on! lol.. but he was talking to ur daddy! lol..a few hrs ago on the phone ;] and i love ur dad and ur mom, and max ;P LOVE YOU And had such fun on Monday at ur movie shooting ;] I love u! and cant wait to see u next!

    xxxxxx kisses!

    P.s ur ankles are not fat, and ur right fearing something like tht is better than fearing like airplane, bc if u feared an airplane could never go to Paris!?? ;] YOU are BEAUTIFUL and Perfect! because i love u a lot!

  3. hehe i am in Blauvelt and eliza is @ home and we both commented on ur blog like 5 minutes apart ;] so funny! and i second what eliza said, she made great points about how your character she likes the jumper for the aesthetics of the jumper and doesn't care about the stain at all..! just wear what we love and look and feel beautiful in it! And she spelled romper wrong "ramper" non non non silly eliza its ROMPER, right? lol...! bye bye!

  4. HAHA ok i cant spell ;P ***ROMPER not ramper ha ha...

    kk sorry for the duplicate comment! ;)
    love you!!!

    o and thank you lovie for letting us be in your amaze movie, i am so, so excited to see it!! you are wonderful

  5. It's all about being will to be seen - really seen - including being seen as "trying". We don't want to humiliate ourselves. We don't want to get caught liking someone or wearing a jumpsuit.

    Because then we are responsible for wanting that - and there's a witness - the one who caught us who will always, we;re afraid, have a little power over how we feel.

    But that's only true if we give that power to them. what I mean is, people are always going to judge us - they will always say, Oh, that looks so nice on you, or Oh, what are you thinking showing up in that thing, or You're so pretty, or You're so smart, talented, brilliant, stupid, a good dancer, a bad writer, a talented tap dancer. . .

    At some point, we have to look ourselves in the eye and say: What do you think? Cuz that's the only opinion that we have to live with. All the other ones dissolve when the other person walks away - if we let them.

    Would you please tell your friend that I said this? Thanks