Dear Bicycle Thief,

I feel that it is only fair to inform you
that the front wheel is not screwed on completely.
I had to remove the wheel to fit the bike into my car
and when I took the bike out of the car yesterday,
I tightened the screws only tight enough to wheel it up the hill.
I suppose this was poor planning,
as was my choice to leave the bike unlocked on Halloween weekend.

One more thing you should know
is that the bike has only one functioning break;
this and the good amount of tape
visibly holding the seat together gave me the idea that no one,
not even you, drunk and giddy in your goblin mask,
would want to steal it. Obviously I was mistaken.

But I have to ask, didn't you notice
the wires of the gears and the back break?
Their metal insides frayed and loose?

Well, please be careful. I'd be upset if you got hurt.
Sincerely, The Bike's Previous Owner.