blogging

i feel lonely.
its strange because the lonely feeling was triggered by never feeling alone.

i woke up late this morning i slept in max's bed last night because my bed makes me sneeze and max was in montreal.
i woke up and hoped that no one was home because i wanted a peaceful morning without my dad telling how i needed to do things in order to not end up like he ended up: married with children and too much work and not enough art....

its strange... my parents teach me all about the law of attraction which teaches that anything that u expect to come to you will come to you.
they teach me that and i believe in it like some people believe in heaven and hell.

i tried to talk to my d ad today about his dream day... and whats strange is that he couldnt plan his dream day.. couldnt talk about it
and thats all the law of attraction is; visualizing and expecting and knowing your dream day.

this blog makes no sense
im really just writing it to avoid going to sleep.

im avoiding going to sleep because my bed isnt made and ill have to make it before i go to sleep
and im avoiding getting into my bed because my bed is against the wall that max's bed is on the other side of.
and max is home from montreal and his girl friend is here with him tonight.
shes in my grade and shes a sweety
and im glad that i got to meet her.
but relationships make me sick.

just for now

im sure they wont make me sick forever

its just that

relationships were such a highped up... and important and worth envying thing...
before i ever had one...

and then i went to art camp and had a joke of a relationship...
but it wasnt in the begining.
in the begining it was wonderful.
at the end it was a joke.

but i loved myself and hated myself in new ways that i had never felt before while i was sorta of jokingly loving my art camp boy...

strange...

but the point of all of this is to say that...
i dont want to hear my brother and his girl whispering on the other side of the wall.

it will give me stomach ache

the fakeness of it
or maybe its not thier fakeness
maybe its my own
or my fakeness that i was with my art camp boy...
that is what will make me sick
the memory of the dark room that was so dark that i could have been kissing anyone...
and i thought about that in the moment
this could be anyone.
"now you understand why guys get in trouble with thier girlfriends all the time for saying a differnt womans name." says jake when i tell him this story.

i do understand

i hate relationships

i want to feel as beautiful as the pixie girl who looked up into the boys face while he traced the lines of her cheeks and lips and whispered "you have the most perfect face ive ever seen..."
i want to feel as beautiful as that pixie girl.
she was me.
he said that he meant the most perfect face in terms of art... composition.
he said it was a compliment but also just a fact.
he ran a finger over my closed eye lid and i knew that he was so proud of himself for having me
and that was a feeling that made me want to belong to myself and to no one else forever
but also a feeling that made me want to be held forever.

he was proud of himself for being with me...

thats all relationships can ever be... a feeling in yourself that the other person makes you feel.
you could feel it with half a dozen others.
the question is do they feel it with you?
proud of themselves in context of you?

i blew him a kiss when i drove away after five weeks.
he was sitting in the lobby and he waved at me through the tall glas window wall.
i smiled and blew a kiss
i hope he loved that
because it caused me some pain.

but anyway
im lonely
in a house with no doors
where construction workers are always in the yard outside the kitchen
im lonely surrounded by friends who never take a breath between sentences and who say "i love you" as a substatution for "hello" "goodbye" and many other things.

im lonley
because i feel like no one ever loves anyone for anyone.
everyone loves everyone because of some feeling that they feel themselves with they are around people.
and thats lonley.
and selfish and i know i am a victim of it.

ill have to go make my bed now
and sleep in it.
and ignore the whispering.
and if i cant ignore it i will have to refrain from anylizing it

goodnight.