more almost fatal dreams

i found my red book...

i had a dream that my heart stopped so some paramedics tried to shock it back to life

they shocked me once and my heart fell out on the steps on a porch where i had fallen

i got up and took the paddles from the startled paramedic and held them uncertainly over my heart...
wanting to shock it again but not being sure how to do it

i yelled at the profesionals to help me

one came forward and told me that i had to excite my heart awake

he put my heart in a plastic bag and i took the back and swung it around my head...

i woke up.

little piece of self

i lost my red book
i sat at a table in barnes and nobel and looked back through the pages

i held a year of pages between my fingers...
a month
a differnt month

i looked at my little bit of life
written in horizantal lines on graph paper between two pleather covers
i put it down
and thought
"dont put it there it will fall or someone will want it and take it or youll leave it"

i left it

i bet someone took it

i would have taken it

i hope they read it and are inspired by it.

i miss it.

dream

i am in a dorm
much like the one i stayed at at camp this summer
i am surrounded by artists
much like the ones i was surrounded by this summer

they are all hurting themselves

i dont remember the specifics

only a vague image of a androgenous face lying on the ground close to my own...
in some sort of self induced agony.

i decide to leave

there is some logic behind what they are doing to themselves...
some excuse for it like... art or self discovery
so my dream self cannot bring herself to tell them to stop...
she understands why they cannot so she leaves

she (i) take an elevator down from the dorm
the mall... the palisades mall is under the dorm...
the mall is sort of like the lobby or common area of the dorm...
where everyone hangs out when they are not in their rooms or on thier floor

so i wander around the mall.
it is huge... like a realistic mall
i end up on the other side from where i came down in the elevator when i decide i can go back upstairs now.

on the otherside (where i am) there is another elevator.
much the same as the one that i came down in
but
i know that if i go up in it i will have a difficult time finding my way back to the dorm
i know that my dorm is on the fifth floor
but apparently the fifth floor is very large because if i take this other elevator there i will not know how to get to my side of the floor.

so
i know all this but
i decide to take this elevator anyway
there is a man guarding the elevator door and i have to pay him a ticket which i have to get from a ticket machine near the elevator.
so i am getting my ticket thinking that if the elevator comes down and the doors open i can get in without paying...
which apperently is allowed
because the doors open and i get on right infront of the elevator man and he doesnt care...

once inside i hit the botton for the fifth floor and the doors close and the lift goes up
we go to the seventeenth floor.
a beautiful thin tall black woman gets on

the she hits the lobby botton and the elevator takes her down...
as she gets off at the floor that i just left from she calls back to me something about the elevator not choosing floors in the order that the bottons were pressed.

we go to another floor that is not my floor and a girl gets on
i know her
she is from another group...
not my group...
she is not from this side of the building
but she is not from my side of the building either...
she takes a different elevator to her dorm...
not this one but not mine
but i know her

she asks me why i am on this side
i say i thought it didnt mater and that i would end up on my floor anyway
she points to the elevator buttons with the numbers on them and i notice
that there are a lot of different sets of numbers
there are multiple fifth floors

now i know i am lost

the girl who i know and i get off at some random floor

we leave the building

there is a blank spot in the dream now

next thing i remember is that we are lost
outside of the building at the top of a hill and we are on bicycles.
we ride very fast down the hll and end up through the glass doors of a building... (they open and we ride through)
the lobby we are in is the lobby with the elevator to the girls dorm
and from there i know how to get to my dorm

the other people from the girls group run to meet us and want to now how we got lost and why we left and how we found our way back
they put quarters into our hands to pay for the elevator and then tell us that it really doesnt matter
and then take our hands and we all get in the elevator and then
i woke up...

illusions

either the whole world is blind or i am delusional.
i have this thought in context of beauty

there is a girl who i just do not find attractive.
she has the body
she has the hair
and the face
and the laugh

i do not find her atractive

and everyone else does

now
usually i can see what other people find conventionally attractive about someone even if i personally find them rather ordinary...
but with the indiviual who i am thinking of...
its just not there...
and it is for everyone else...
so it makes me wonder

either the whole world is blind or i am delusional.

which seems an interesting thing to think about
much more interesting than this girl...
so i wonder...

either the whole world is blind or i am delusional.

this is a thought that many people have...
because
everyone must be delusional or everyone would be blind
because
the entire world and everything in it must be illusionas
so
we must be delusional to see it
otherwise
we would be sane and looking around and seeing what truly existed: nothing.

two dreams

first dream:

i am a man
i am standing in a crowded ballroom in what feels like a very exspensive hotel
surrounded by what feels like very wealthy people... like myself.
in the crowd i am aware of two others amidst the strangers.

one is a beautiful woman. the most beautiful woman i have ever seen... i think she was wearing navy a navy blue gown...

the other is a man wearing a red suit.
his skin is also red *(when i woke up and remembered the dream i remembered him like the yellow demon from sin city)
he is also watching the beautiful woman.

i leave with the beautiful woman we go back to my room... remember i am still a man.
im lying with her on my bed in my very small hotel room when we realize that the red man is under the bed.
i dont know how we knew we just did.
i turned and saw a drop like blood on the white sheet
i thought "blood" but i heard my man's dream voice say "a tear."

i reached down and under the bed and pulled the crying red man by the hair out from under the bed.

the woman and i ran out into the hall.
there were many people in the hall
they had a just-left-the-party feeling to them.

now the woman is gone or maybe i am her
because now i am a woman
though still not quite myself...

i am running through the black tie event dressed people
away from the red man
i am holding a baby girl
i run to a room
in the room i give the baby to a man who i know will protect her
then i leave the room and go back to hall
i see the red man waiting patiently in a group of people and yell back to the room for them to lock their door
i hear them lock it.

next dream:
im sitting on a couch in a small house that has a beach house feeling to it
the house and the room are very crowded
i dont remember the begining of the dream
but i remember that a woman (who was a mix of my mom, meryl streep, signorey weaver and a million other women that i know and actress that ive seen) was shooting at me.
she shot me in the leg and the neck... she was also shooting the girl next to me.
the girl next to me got a bullet in the chest or the stomach and went still
the lady was still shooting at my arms and legs so i turned to that she would shoot me in the heart and it would all end.
i remember just being frustrated that she wouldnt aim better.

she shot me in the head and then stopped.
i sat back on the couch and tried to feel what i felt.
the woman seemed to be patient and calm enough to wait for me to die.
i was thinking about the whole situation when my dream minded started to wobble and i felt a bit drunk...
i remember linking this to being shot in the head.

*in real life i have just finished the book "illusions" which is about a man, richard who is taught a lot of lessons by another man who is actually a mesiah. the mesiah's name is donald shimoda.

in my dream, as my brain began to get wobbley i grapsed onto the thought of donald shimoda telling the richard that the whole world is an illusion and we have complete control over what we choose to make real.
so
as i died...
in my dream i decided that i didnt want to die and that if donald shimoda thought it was possible i was going to try to not die.

i turned to a calm man sitting next to me and told him i would like to go to the emergency room and try to survive.
he looked tawords the kitchen where the woman was and said that he thought i should ask her.

the girl next to me who was also not dead said that her mom worked in the ER and that she had to go there anyway to visit her mom
she said it would be no trouble for her to take me there.
i got up and went to ask the woman
she smiled when she saw me and said that me standing up had caused my head to bleed even more and that i was surely going to die even quicker if i bothered to get to the car and get to the ER.
so she let me go
completly convinced that i would die on the way
the man and the girl packed gauze onto my head and i held it there and i got into the car and then i woke up.

what about not speaking in context.

when i think a "what if" thought i dont think i actually think the words "what if"

i think i think something more like "what about" because my brain is already in context.
like

if i think "what if i ate a banana right now..." im not thinking "what if..."
im thinking "what about a banana"

because my brain is already on the same page as i am...

cuz there is just that one page...


what if i started saying things as they occured to me without context to test the people around me to see if they are keeping up...

"what about not speaking in context..."

the little boy in extreamly loud and incredibly close.

johnathan safran foer.

genius

not original

everything is illuminated

alluminated

heh

they laughed when i couldnt spell it

we watched it

holocust gets old...

couldnt watch it again.

jewish...??

blogging

i feel lonely.
its strange because the lonely feeling was triggered by never feeling alone.

i woke up late this morning i slept in max's bed last night because my bed makes me sneeze and max was in montreal.
i woke up and hoped that no one was home because i wanted a peaceful morning without my dad telling how i needed to do things in order to not end up like he ended up: married with children and too much work and not enough art....

its strange... my parents teach me all about the law of attraction which teaches that anything that u expect to come to you will come to you.
they teach me that and i believe in it like some people believe in heaven and hell.

i tried to talk to my d ad today about his dream day... and whats strange is that he couldnt plan his dream day.. couldnt talk about it
and thats all the law of attraction is; visualizing and expecting and knowing your dream day.

this blog makes no sense
im really just writing it to avoid going to sleep.

im avoiding going to sleep because my bed isnt made and ill have to make it before i go to sleep
and im avoiding getting into my bed because my bed is against the wall that max's bed is on the other side of.
and max is home from montreal and his girl friend is here with him tonight.
shes in my grade and shes a sweety
and im glad that i got to meet her.
but relationships make me sick.

just for now

im sure they wont make me sick forever

its just that

relationships were such a highped up... and important and worth envying thing...
before i ever had one...

and then i went to art camp and had a joke of a relationship...
but it wasnt in the begining.
in the begining it was wonderful.
at the end it was a joke.

but i loved myself and hated myself in new ways that i had never felt before while i was sorta of jokingly loving my art camp boy...

strange...

but the point of all of this is to say that...
i dont want to hear my brother and his girl whispering on the other side of the wall.

it will give me stomach ache

the fakeness of it
or maybe its not thier fakeness
maybe its my own
or my fakeness that i was with my art camp boy...
that is what will make me sick
the memory of the dark room that was so dark that i could have been kissing anyone...
and i thought about that in the moment
this could be anyone.
"now you understand why guys get in trouble with thier girlfriends all the time for saying a differnt womans name." says jake when i tell him this story.

i do understand

i hate relationships

i want to feel as beautiful as the pixie girl who looked up into the boys face while he traced the lines of her cheeks and lips and whispered "you have the most perfect face ive ever seen..."
i want to feel as beautiful as that pixie girl.
she was me.
he said that he meant the most perfect face in terms of art... composition.
he said it was a compliment but also just a fact.
he ran a finger over my closed eye lid and i knew that he was so proud of himself for having me
and that was a feeling that made me want to belong to myself and to no one else forever
but also a feeling that made me want to be held forever.

he was proud of himself for being with me...

thats all relationships can ever be... a feeling in yourself that the other person makes you feel.
you could feel it with half a dozen others.
the question is do they feel it with you?
proud of themselves in context of you?

i blew him a kiss when i drove away after five weeks.
he was sitting in the lobby and he waved at me through the tall glas window wall.
i smiled and blew a kiss
i hope he loved that
because it caused me some pain.

but anyway
im lonely
in a house with no doors
where construction workers are always in the yard outside the kitchen
im lonely surrounded by friends who never take a breath between sentences and who say "i love you" as a substatution for "hello" "goodbye" and many other things.

im lonley
because i feel like no one ever loves anyone for anyone.
everyone loves everyone because of some feeling that they feel themselves with they are around people.
and thats lonley.
and selfish and i know i am a victim of it.

ill have to go make my bed now
and sleep in it.
and ignore the whispering.
and if i cant ignore it i will have to refrain from anylizing it

goodnight.

today (in which i do not get my learners permit)

today i woke up early because i had to get my learners permit.

i went through the motions of
wake up
get up
shower
eat
leave
like i would on any normal school day during the school year.

i thought about how
these things were much easier things to do when i was moving towards somthing that i felt indiferent about- permit.
as opposed to something i was dreading and unprepared for and livid at- school.

we drove to the department of motor vehical in haverstraw.
on the way the black tape with the cord that connects to an ipod and plays ipod music through the stereo...
that black tape got stuck in the tape deck.
my mom tried to claw it out.
while she attempted the hopeless task she talked about growing up in the 70's when tape deck problems were a daily thing.
she said we needed a knife.
we tried a pen.
we pried the black tape up with the pen and the tip of the pen came off
and black bloody shiny ink covered the deck.

well not exacly bloody.
if youve ever seen a large quantity of pen ink outside of its pen
you will be aware that
in the right light (the kind of light which the morning was in... bright light...)
pen ink reveals its true colors...
which is really just one color
which is shiny purple.

so

shiny purple blood covered the tape and the deck
and the tape stayed in the deck
and the deck made strange helpless courageous "i think i can i think i can i think i can" clicking machine sounds when we pressed the eject botton.

and then we arrived at the motor vehical office and i filled out a form
there was a bit at the end of the form that was optional where u could register to vote if you are going to be 18 by the end of the year of the next ellection.
i am going to be 18 ONE month after the next ellection.

FRUSTRATION!

so i filled it out.
and i realized that i didnt have a political party.
and that i couldnt vote in a primary.
so i probobly should have just registered as a democrat even though sometimes they are silly.
they are generally less silly than the others.

so anyway
we got to the front of the line and only had one form of id and my mom had her drivers liscence but they sent us away to come back with a birth certificate and a social security card.
so we left.
and we went to starbucks to meet my dad and my social security card.

and to get a coffee.

we got those two essential items and then were on our way to panera... down the strip... to eat and wait two hours till the next time slot (1:00) when i could take my permit test.
right outside starbucks
under the awning, next to the trash can we waited when we saw a friend drive by.
she parked her car
and then we stood there and talked with her about identical anorexia while lightning crackled a few times
and we kept sharing opinions as it began to rain.
when we finally left her to her coffee we were faced with the obstacal of crossing the bit of parking lot between this bit of under-the-awning-strip-mall-sidewalk and the other bit.

there was a huge puddle in the low bit of that bit of parking lot.
we looked at it with forboading for a moment.

on the far side of the puddle-bit of parking lot there was a modelles
an advertisment in the window of the modelles had a swimmer
she was swimming and she had a nose plug pinching her nose and churned up water all around her.

on our side of the parking lot there was a photographer who was out
apparently
photographing the weather.

we told him we were about to run through the puddle
he told us he was going to take our picture
so we ran.
when we got to the other side he ran after us and told us that the picture of us and the advertisment picture of the nose-plugged swimmer had come together quite nicely in his photograph and could he please have our names.
we gave him our names and continued on to panera.

in panera i read a short story by truman copote.
the story was called miriam and in it there is a old lady who hallucinates (i think) a young girl with silver hair.
the young girl forces her way into the old lady's life and the old lady gets upset.

then i listened to "the weepies" who have a lyric in a song that they have
that goes: "yesterday when you were young everything you needed done was done for you"
i thought about my learners permit.

then i got two text messeges.
on messege was from eliza.
eliza recomended the book of truman copote stories.
the one about miriam was her favorites.
thats why i was reading it first before reading any of the others.
her text messege wasnt about the book.

in her messeges she told me that she was seeing pineapple express at the mall with her twin sister maya.
maya and eliza are my friends who are not friends with my other friends jake and adam.
the text messege from eliza told me that jake and adam were in the theater with her maya and it was followed quite immediatly by a text messege from adam that told me that he was in a movie theater with "your twins" and of course i was already of aware.

i texted them both back and told them about the other ones text.
making it, im sure quite awkward for them...
two faces lit blue in a dark crowded movie theater... strangers to eachother together missing the person-in-common-link that could make an introduction about of anponymousness.

after panera and miriam and the two text messseges
we got back in the car with the bleeding purple stereo
we went back, 30 mins and maybe four towns away, to the motor vehecal office listening to my ipod with one ear-bud each.

when we got there i went in ahead to go to the bathroom.
in the bathroom the toilet paper fell off the roll and onto the floor and rolled away into the next stall
someone on the toilet in the next stall rolled it back to me
neither one of us said anything.
there was another roll in my stall so i left that one on the floor.

i went back outside to get my mother and found that she had lost her liscense.
so we left
and went back to panera.
to look for it
and her credit card.
which had been in the hand with the lisence and was missing too.

on the drive there we called my dad and told him to tranfer all the money on the card into his account incase someone wanted to use it.
if someone had stolen it.

someone hadnt
they hadnt spent anything at least.

but in those few minutes of listening to my mothers side of the please-transfer-all-the-money-using-the-online-transfer-thing-conversation
i realized something

it is this:
i did not want my permit before today
but now
i do
just so that, in future, i can avoid being in close proximity to conversations like that.

and also i realized that i will never get married and if i ever by some illogical crazed choice i do end up married
i will never ever ever have a single cell phone conversation with my other.

so long story not very short:

we found the cards
at panera
i didnt get my permit.

the end.

me and bella swann/cullen

feel like im moving backwards in time.
away from who i was in boston...
pixie dancing smiling kissing beauty girl

past who i was at nyack
naive silly self-steryotype wierd waldorf girl

back to who i was at green meadow
just katie

i want to get a tan
not to impress anyone
who to feel like i am healthy and not ghostly
i just want to get a tan
i dont want to go to the beach
just the tan

i want to buy clothing
not to wear to something exciting
not to feel like the kind of person who i want to feel like
the kind that is wearing that clothing
no
i just want it
to wear it when i leave my house probobly leaving just to buy more clothing

id also like to be awake
to leave my bed and its dusty sheets and antifeminist guilty pleasure novels.
i dont care about bella and her vampire love and her vampire human baby
she shouldnt have become a vampire
a feminist wouldnt have made her one
would have made her her own thing
instead she just lived happily ever after
in modern fairytales the princess gets the prince and then realized she doesnt want him

in classic fairy tales she gets the prince the end.
classic fairy tales are classics because they arnt written anymore
because our heroines are supposed to be
heronines
not
like
pretty
bellas happy ending?
beautiful vampire husband child and self.
happily ever bloodsuckingly after.