The library is buzzing

The hardest thing for me to do is write an essay about something i care about.
They kicked me out of high school for this. I believe the quote was "Katie doesnt do anything that she does not love."
They twisted it a little bit. what they should have said was "katie does not do anything when she cant see a way that she will love what she's done."
Im not saying that that is a healthier tendency. its just a thing... a

the library is buzzing
the boy in front of me keeps touching the girl next to him... her knee her hair.
i bet she is his girlfriend but she did slap him once...

my back hurts so much that i am nauseas. nausea...
that is what i am writing about...
wana see what i have so far?

this is not helping. if i post this it is because the library is buzzing and i feel like im dreaming
and i am typing with a kind of reckless abandon and posting with the same kind and also because i need to go to sleep. and also because i cant go to sleep because my back hurts too much.
i dont think this is the kind of thing that its okay to write
i also
really
really
dont think that its okay to say that its not okay to write something and then write it anyway

The best thing would be to write down events from day to day. Keep a diary to see clearly—let none of the nuances or small happenings escape. (Sarte, ‘Nausea’)

Throughout history the great thinkers and teachers of society have always communicated their ideas through stories.
One useful tool is to put the events into the point of view of an individual. Much the same way a documentary demands our acceptance as fact because it depicts the true life experience of an event, the portrayal of a idea inside of a story has more credibility even if it is a fiction, for it to be at all convincing certain kinks and problems with the argument must be worked out before it is even able to stand as something viable.
Lars vontri’s recent film melancholia is a film about the end of the world. Another planet is about the crash into the earth and destroy all life but vontrir covers this information through the point of view of just two people experiencing it. Thus we are able to enter the story on a intimate scale, much the same way satre’s nausea is depiected as a journal kept by one man. Satre’s narrator is isolated and so are vontrir’s heroines. Both satre and vontrir create realism out of what could easily stray into the realm of surrealism or even fantasy. By putting this experience concretely into a infividual’s point of view we are able to say ‘this is really what happened. ‘ and accept it as a kind of reality. Even though it is quite ‘out there.’

Philosophers and scientists often turn to story as a way to illustrate new and complicated ideas. Science fiction films are a perfect outlet for filmmakers to create gadgets and circumstances which are, within the rules of their imaginary world, completely plausible.
The same is true for philosophers who attempt to illustrate their ideas through dramatic fictional events. In La Nausee (Nausea) Jean Paul Satre chooses to paint an elaborate picture of an existential crisis. A man keeps a detailed account in his journal of a transformation taking place in his life which is causing him to see the world in a new way.

in what reality is that five pages? or spelled correctly?
a different reality.
I'm going to sleep.
here... in the buzzing library because im afraid to go back to my apartment because they might be having fun there and i dont want to murder anyone tonight.

You, the Cat

The girl kicks the house cat. Not in a violent way. In a 'here play with my shoe lace, I know you want it!' way. The cat plays with the shoe lace, grabs it in two paws and then brings it to her teeth and bites it claws and bites and claws and bites.
The girl adds her hand to the game. The cat, who's name is Tiger, bites and claws the girls hand. The girl, who has a tendency to make the most mundane things important and even profoundly sad, says to the cat: " I bet you don't even know you're an animal.'
And I think about you and how you are that cat. And then I want to pick up the cat and squeeze it until it cries
or until it fights me off and bites my jugular and slinks away into the jungle.